Man, I had another batshit crazy dream last night and I'd better get it down before the old gray matter dumps it into the recycle bin. I really hate how our brains do that. Doesn't it realize the lucrative opportunities for art and literature such insane and inane fantasies make available? Intelligent design my arse...
The first thing I can remember is being on a sort of drive-about vacation like our recent Miyazaki-Kagoshima affair, except the environment was more arid. I stopped at the outskirts of a trailer park where there was a crowd assembled and a dreadnought of a woman sobbing uncontrollably. Her mail was being stolen, she said, and the mumu-sporting land whale was at wit's end in discovering whodunit. The crowd was equally as stumped. I noticed the convenience store about fifteen meters away with a massive—Massive!—surveillance camera mounted to the awning outside and pointed directly at the mailbox. Very convenient, dream. I chimed in: I'll bet you that convenience store's camera caught something, why don't you go ask them? “Ohhh...Just as we expected of you, Matt, always being so observant!” How did they know my name? Snooping in my garbage I suspect.
The affair gave me some kind of minor celebrity status in the trailer park where, I soon discovered, my friend Mayumi lived. Her father gave me a cigar to chomp on and we went and played the ancient Japanese game of Throw the Stick at Stuff. Oh, did I mention it was high summer and snowing? That didn't last long before I was invited to go swimming by the local bad boys and play a game of pool volleyball...with foam baseball bats. The jackasses soon annoyed me and I beat the living hell out of two of them before leaving.
By this time the trailer park had turrned into a Jewish university and it was graduation day. One of my Midwestern ALT friends, can't recall whether it was Caitlyn or Betsy, despite neither being Jewish, was graduating this day and the commencement speech promised to be spicy. Recordings of previous year's speakers were being shown on flat screens all around the campus and each snippet of speech invariably contained the phrases “Now, I don't want to offend anybody...” or “I know this is going to ruffle some feathers...” so why would this year be any different? I didn't get to see the speech I'm sorry to say, because I was too busy running from campus security for some crime I may or may not have commited.
Then I woke up.
--Matt
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